As a transgender man, I have a complicated relationship with femininity. It is important to remember I can only express my own feelings on femininity—not all trans people think and feel the same.
I highly suggest hearing out other perspectives, especially from transgender women and femme people.
As International Women’s Day comes closer, I use this time to learn about trans, Black women like Marsha P. Johnson and how they have shaped feminism today.
When I was doing my undergraduate degree at the University of Waterloo, I attended their International Women’s Day dinner. I wrote poetry that was published in the school’s #HeforShe publications, which was why I was invited to the celebration. The poem was about my experience “as a woman” and my relationship with womanhood.
I remember squeezing into a long white gown, donning heels, and sitting down to eat. I thought to myself, is this it? Have I finally achieved womanhood? Surely, I must have to be accepted into the fold like that.
But I couldn’t ignore the grating voice in the back of my head. It sounded like a whisper at first, when I walked through the gala halls.
It then started amping up in volume until I could no longer ignore it while I sat down for my first bite of dinner: ‘you don’t belong here.’
Now, several years down the line, I know it’s because I’m a trans man. I look back at the earlier version of myself who sat down that evening and tried to exercise self-compassion, much to my therapist’s approval.
My relationship with femininity and the body I was born with sometimes feels like an on-again, off-again relationship. Sometimes I enjoy the feminine aspects of my body and all that it gives. On other days, I can barely stand to look at myself in the mirror.
When I began learning about being trans, there were several outside sources which made me feel like I had to forgo femininity altogether to be accepted as a man.
I appreciate many things that traditionally count as ‘feminine’, and I know now that my appreciation of the feminine does not denote my gender. I know I am a man.
If I were born into a society without fixed rules on what denotes a boy and a girl, I would feel able to live my life free from expectations. But, as it stands, I feel much societal pressure to get top surgery and not dress or act too feminine to be gendered correctly.
It’s taken years’ worth of therapy and focused self-acceptance for me to figure out what I want to do with my life and my body.
Now, in 2025, there are many threats to transgender rights and freedoms. Many people who look at my body and existence as a threat.
Regardless, I continue forward and try to stay connected with my community. I don’t know what the future has in store for me and my trans siblings.
What I do know is that we are not going anywhere. A world without transgender people has never and will never exist: we are woven into the tapestry of the earth.
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