Dear cis allies,
Things are getting worse and scarier for your trans friends yet again. The culture war is heating up, and we appear to be among the first in line for the chopping block. Hopefully, you are wondering how you can help us out, and how you can be a good ally and a good friend.
First, you must realize how exhausting this is—how exhausting it gets when even existing becomes an act of resistance. How exhausting it is to see endless headlines and columns debating our right to be as if we aren’t able to speak for ourselves.
Next, you must understand that we’re far more likely to be marginalized in many ways at once—the overlap between being trans and belonging to other minority groups cannot be ignored. The violence perpetrated, especially against BIPOC trans people, must not be ignored.
Imagine each one like another weight we must carry around. Nearly every aspect of my life is currently under attack—I am an impoverished, physically disabled, mentally ill trans lesbian. I am an outspoken punk, visibly all the things I mentioned; in nearly every way, I am the personification of the alt-right’s boogeyman. And it is exhausting.
Finally, you must understand collective guilt and the weight of being a model minority. Trans people, especially trans people of colour, are very underrepresented and many people do not know more than one or two of us.
With any minority, people begin ascribing the faults and slights they experience from one group member to all of the group. That annoying trans person they know? All trans people must be like that.
One trans person does something wrong, and it becomes a collective sin of all trans people. It leads many trans people to always be on their best behaviour, and always be performing at 100 per cent, lest someone judge our whole community for their own shortcomings.
Understanding all this is important for the advice I’m about to give you. It’ll help you understand the why behind the questions.
Your trans friends are undoubtedly tired—offer to cook them a meal, help them with some chores, offer them your time for an afternoon coffee and chat.
Your trans friends are probably frustrated, angry, and devastated—let them cry to you, let them yell, and give them a safe space to express these feelings without judgment. It’s likely you won’t be able to help but sometimes getting it out helps more than you may think.
Last, but perhaps most importantly, go to bat for us when people start up with ignorance and hate. Oftentimes responding to such things is a game of math: is it worth potentially being harmed to correct someone?
The less marginalized you are, the safer it will be for you to stand up on our behalf. Challenge yourself and others when transphobic rhetoric comes up, talk about your trans friends and their good qualities, and make it clear that you are an ally and hate will not be tolerated around you.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope it gave you some insight. Now more than ever, trans people need our cis friends to become active allies, people who are willing to keep us safe. If you have a trans loved one, please reach out to them and see what they need.
Yours truly,
A tired tranny.
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